Feeling Down On Christmas Day

Merry Christmas, Everyone! 

I love Christmas time, I love the trees, the lights, the scented candles, the coffee, Christmas movies, everything about Christmas... apart from the day itself.

Every year I find myself writing up a miserable post trying to encapsulate how I feel about Christmas Day, every year I delete it. This year I am pre-writing it. Simply because I know how it feels. Every year I find myself scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Bloglovin' looking for someone - anyone who feels the same way I do, but I never see it, so I thought I would break my routine and post it myself, and maybe, just maybe, it might help someone. 

Oh, the pressures.

I think the majority of my issue with Christmas is the pressure to have a good time, to be happy, to be with family and loved ones, and to have the *best day ever*.  What we don't consider is that we as individuals have different ideas of a good time, and different families and situations to deal with. 

I cannot fathom the loss of a loved one at Christmas - and I won't pretend to understand that loss either, to understand the pain. But I do know the pressure set on them to have Christmas and to move on, enjoy it, is very much there too. As if skipping Christmas entirely is horrific. When actually it could be the thing they need to do most. 

We put so much pressure on the day being perfect, everything being *just* right. Spending a hallmark Christmas with the perfect setting - sitting around a fire with your loved ones singing carols. Feeling SO happy. 

My hallmark bubble bursts the moment I realise due to my son seeing his father on Christmas Day - I either don't have him Christmas Eve to the morning or Christmas Night through to Boxing Day, and as I live two hours away from my Mum's house - it leaves me alone in my house for the night - which I'm fine about in theory, as it is my normal throughout the year. 

I find all of a sudden my reality, my normal is massively frowned upon or sympathised. Being alone is a terrible thing. People pity my single Mum status and don't want me sitting alone "YOU CAN'T BE ALONE, ITS CHRISTMAS" as if the other 364 days a year are irrelevant, and this one night a year I will spontaneously combust if alone. 

Which typically leaves me with options, either spending the night alone - like every other night, cuddled up on my couch binge watching criminal minds and stuffing my face with wine and Percy Pigs - then going to my own bed, getting a good night sleep. Versus, going to my Grans, sitting watching my Mum and Gran argue over Christmas Dinner prep, then having to sleep on the floor -staring at the ceiling wondering why on earth I decided to not just stay at home. This year I decided to just stay at home. 

But yet I feel upset, not because I am upset, but because I feel like I should be because I shouldn't WANT to be alone for Christmas. 

Tie this in with "You shouldn't be doing anything other than family things on Christmas Day, you need to be spending it with your family" leaves me feeling guilty for wanting something outside of the Christmas "norm". That I need to feel bad for opting to be alone for the night, that it is weird, that I should be crying because I am alone. Oh, the guilt. 

The presents are another source of anxiety. Did I buy a present for everyone I needed to get a present for? Have I forgotten someone? Will they like what I got them? Will my Gran like her 500th elephant because she refuses to tell anyone what she actually does want for her Christmas, and instead opts for the classic "I don't need anything" which we all know means they will cry if you actually do get them nothing. This year we all opted for a high limit Secret Santa (Best idea ever btw) - so there is little pressure there now - thank goodness.

"You aren't allowed to be sad, IT'S CHRISTMAS" 

Families can be hard to deal with though. Sure we all want to get along perfectly, but often the pressure for everything to be perfect will have people snapping at one another to HAVE MORE FUN. SMILE. "IT'S CHRISTMAS" It's enough to have me running away from everyone to hide on my phone, to then see a bombardment of photos on Facebook of everyone having THE BEST DAY EVER. *sigh* you cannot escape it.

Then if you make it to the evening, you have the "is it over already" blues. The presents are done, the food is gone, Christmas is over. *cries*

Part of me likes to think the reason why I get so upset every Christmas is down to Santa. I want the magic, I want a life like in the movies where Rudolph and the sleigh drop by. Maybe that dream is adding to my unrealistic expectations further.

Christmas really is an Emotional Rollercoaster. 

I used to think I was alone crying on Christmas Day, and never really knowing why. But know if you are upset, you are not alone. And as much as you may be feeling guilty for reading this rather than being with your family - there are hundreds more of us hiding in the toilets doing the same, I'm sure. 

The pressure is always too much to bare. It's impossible to live up to the idea we have of Christmas and the perfect image we have created. Maybe we should all just chill out, take a breath, do whatever it is we would usually do - then if it turns out to be the best day ever, fantastic. But if not, there are 364 other days of the year which can be. 

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