"Don't fear failure, fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today"
I've worked for the same company since I was 16. I've done the same job for the past 10 years. I've never not had a job, Tesco has owned a part of me my whole adult life. Funded my life.
For the past two years I have juggled work, college, parenting, volunteering and the blog. I have managed, but it wasn't exactly the most fun experience ever. When I said juggling - I meant it. Imagine that feeling of being late, really late, and running about like a headless chicken and trying to get everything done but not quite ever having enough time - that has been my life with college and work for the past two years. No days off, no time off, a full day at college followed by work until 11pm, half the time I was like a walking zombie, a walking zombie carrying around a bag full of guilt because she doesn't get to see her child.
So I have done it for the past two years. It was needed. I was working towards my goals, it was a hurdle I had to overcome and work through to achieve what I want. To become a Midwife. And this Summer, I did it. I got in. Mission achieved after two years at college, hours upon hours of stress and unrelated learning (yeah Higher English) and I finally got what I had worked so hard to achieve.
So I kept my job for the time being. All the What Ifs crept up. What if I hate it? What if I don't manage the work load? What if I hate the commute? What if I can't afford to live? What if, What if, What if. I am far too used to having a Tesco shaped safety net to fall back on. So I didn't quit. Not when I started uni, I stayed juggling work with university, parenting, blogging and everything else.
The issue is - my much loved safety net quickly became a burden. Doing a 37.5hrs a week course alongside a 16hr a week job is pretty horrific. On a Monday I left at 7am, uni 9-4, drive home for 5.30pm, work 6-11pm then back up at 6am to leave at 7am for uni 9-4 on the Tuesday. By the time I drove the 65mile trip home on the Tuesday night I was dead walking, then it would take me days to recover - having to neglect writing up notes or revising what we had learnt, not having the weekends to go over notes. I cannot commit to the level I need to.
Money-wise the Scottish Government still fund Nurses & Midwives (YAY!) so I now receive a full bursary to support me and AJ while I am studying. It covers everything, bills, travel, childcare, food. Quitting work was an option, I could not work, and focus on university and be okay...
Then there was the joy aspect. Two weeks into my course I cried the whole way home. Never in my life have I felt like I loved my job. Never have I felt like I was in the right place for me, but in every class I sit in at university - every lecture - I feel that spark of utter joy of "THIS IS ME". I cannot describe how incredible it feels. To feel a sense of belonging, to know this is what I want to do, and know with all my being this is the right choice for me. All of a sudden my doubts of "what if.." had disappeared. This IS where I belong, and this IS what I am going to do.
Finally, I look at my son and I cannot be prouder of the little man he is becoming. He brings me such utter joy and pride, but I am missing SO much. I don't see him at weekends while I'm working. I don't see him during the school runs because I am at university. My course is 46 weeks a year. I don't get twelve weeks holiday over summer to see him. I don't get that. I. Miss. Him. He needs me, he needs me here, and he needs to see his mum happy and pushing for what she wants without being miserable pushing too hard.
All of a sudden I was sitting at work and finding it all meaningless. Wrong, like I didn't belong after 10 years of being there. It wasn't me anymore. So why am I staying?
I spent the weekend off work - a rare occasion. I caught up with university work, I caught up on blogging, I lay in bed with AJ watching Dr Who, I spent hours wrestling with that inner demon who is usually right in saying "YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO DO" - I didn't. I had done it. I got to... relax - gah what is THAT!
Some will see it as giving up, but for me it is moving on. Tesco has played a huge role in my life so far, but there is no longer space for it anymore. I want to grow as a Student Midwife, I want to have the time to learn, revise, read, go to conferences, watch Ted Talks, volunteer, I want to grow that part of my life, and I cannot do that with a job which conflicts so much with what I am doing.
So I handed in my Notice. My last day is 21/10/18. After 11 years at Tesco.
I'm still unsure why I needed to write this post, maybe it's for me to look back on, maybe it's to organise my thought process. Some posts just need to be written, this was one.
I would love to know if you have ever given up a job to pursue something completely different? Would you? Do you love your job? I would love to know.
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