Anxiety Is Kicking My Ass

The offload post, the rant, the explanation. 

88 days. It doesn't seem that long does it? That is how long there is between my English Exam and getting the results. 

In two weeks time, exactly to the minute from this post going live. I will know if I have managed to get into uni or not. The thought of that alone terrifies me, and I have been dealing with internal demons since the minute I walked out of that exam room 74 days ago, demons which have grown from cute little anxiety bunnies to big ass FURIOUS MONSTERS SCREAMING "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH" who then exorcism style throws up everywhere in an anxious mess that is me. But still, only 14 days to go...

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with the constant thought that no matter what I do, the effort I put in, the time I take - anything I do will simply not be good enough.

I feel sick just typing it. Living with a constant self-doubt of not being enough, never being enough. In terms of jobs, friendships, relationships, all confirming in my eyes that no matter how hard I try. I am NOT good enough, and there is always a better option than me. At work it is being overlooked or dismissed, in relationships, it's being consistently cheated on or being upgraded like an old phone. 

Now, I have lost 18lbs since the end of my exams, and I would LOVE to say it's down to a new healthy eating kick where I live off kale and avocado and hit the gym 5 times a week. But, the truth is my anxiety is so bad it refuses to allow my body to retain any form of nutrition so I either don't eat (because my brain is too busy repeatedly hitting itself with a hate stick to think about being hungry) or my anxiety instantly detoxes any and all food. 

It doesn't seem to matter how many times "rational me" sits myself down and says now Erin, you worked your fucking ass off the whole year. You know you gave it your all, and your all should be enough to get a C in English so you can move the fuck on with your life, be proud, it'll be great. 

But realistically that is somewhere beside fairytales and unicorns. In reality, my brain is all "you did your best but it isn't enough, you totally fucked it, and your gonna be ditched from uni because they didn't want you in the first place". *facepalm*

I honestly wish this post had more purpose, that I had hit a point of realisation and am explaining all of this to offload a huge epiphany about life and anxiety and could benefit you all in some way, but it's not going to - well not yet at least. Maybe in 14 days. This is why I am not a lifestyle blogger, because I am a mess of a human. 

But, I thought maybe, just maybe, other people can relate to a constant company of a self-doubt demon. Knowing your biggest critic is actually yourself, picking away at everything good in your life just in case you are hurt. A defence mechanism. How can anyone hurt you, when you hurt yourself so well? 

That is without a doubt my biggest character flaw. Some people see it as negativity, I like to see it as a dysfunctional defence. If you know someone who seems to always be picking at themselves, chances are they need more reassurance than you ever know. 

So, I will spend the next 14 days avoiding anything and everything I think will jinx the results - factors include thinking about university, buying supplies, going to the hospital, pretty much anything that gets my hopes up in any way shape or form. 

Maybe after then, I will be confident - self-assured, I will be able to be positive about my efforts, maybe I will be a fountain of knowledge and be able to reflect words of great wisdom, but until then if you need me I will be crying in my bed fort. 

Anxiety is an asshole. 


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