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Let's Talk: It's OK to not be OK



Since January I have been posting every other day. Something I was super proud of. But this week my life flipped upside down.



Without going into a huge amount of detail this week hasn't been a good one. Things are on the up, but midweek was not good in any way.

Needless to say the post I had never gotten around to writing on Tuesday never went up. In fact the whole schedule was scrapped. I hid in my bed fort for a day. Then braved the world to deal with life. 

But here I am writing today's post. Not because I feel I need to, but because I want to talk - I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while, and now feels like the perfect time to chat. 

I see so many posts on how to deal with anxiety, stress and depression. I see all the helpful tips people post to get over a period of feeling like everything is just too much. 

But not once have I seen someone say... It's OK to not be OK. 

For years I suffered with clinical depression, for so long I used it as a crutch for my feelings. Its ok to be sad, I'm depressed. Like an excuse to feel shit about myself. 

I then became pregnant. I ditched my citalopram - 50mg daily to nothing - my doctor was terrified, but I was adiment I didn't want to be on anything pregnant. 

I took a deep breath and decided that I was going to control my own feelings, I was not going to let a label or a diagnosis define who I was. So everytime I felt myself slipping into a slump, I would drag myself straight back out. I would go for a walk, I would read, I would distract myself in any way. 

When you have been on anti depressants for any length of time, if you come off them the affects don't tend to resurface for about 6-9 months. This to me was right when I had my son. My doctor was worried - so much so he sent my health visitor round all the time. 

But to everyone's shock (including my own) post natal never had a chance with me. I had decided from day one I wasn't going to be sad anymore, that it was going to be so so hard, that it was going to be sore and I wasn't going to sleep... So with being honest with myself... And going out daily with AJ in the Pram, or going to classes and staying active... I had beaten it. I was not going to be sad again. 

I had won. 

Well until a 3 year relationship broke down.

I went into my doctors in floods of tears, I couldn't function. I was having panic attacks every half hour, over money, childcare, everything was just happening all at once - I couldn't cope. I then sat in his chair sobbing - I didn't want to be depressed again, I didn't want it back. 

He said something so simple, yet has changed my outlook now. 

"Sometimes it's OK not to be OK" 

If something big, stressful and horrible is happening in your life. It is OK not to be OK with it. It's shit. It sucks. You can cry. You can panic over it. It's a shitty thing. He was an arse for cheating on me - that was him making me sad not my depression. I had a valid reason to not be OK. So that was OK. 

I see so many posts where people are worried about being down when something has happened. This is me telling you that it's ok to be pissed off, it's ok to be sad or upset. Allow yourself to feel that way!

As humans we have a variety of feelings, all of which should be respected as much as the rest, yes happy is great, but sometimes you need to be sad to balance it all out. 

As long as you pick yourself up and move on from it. 

So this was a very long and rambling post to basically say. 

I'm not OK, but it's OK. I will be. 

What is your thoughts? Do you suffer with depression? Have you ever? Let me know in the comments below, and let me know your coping strategy too.

ps. Shout out to a special someone mentioned who read this post 75 mins after it was posted (with no social media promotion). Good to know I have such a loyal viewer..

"Sometimes things have to go wrong in order to go right"


I would LOVE it if you could follow me on Bloglovin' (I follow back too)
 

17 comments

  1. Wow. I understand. It's really really hard to numb yourself from the depression when all you want to do is wallow and cry, and it's ok! No one but you truly understands how it is. I understand because I have lupus and it comes with a whole set of problems (healthcare costs, regular checkups, prednisone weight gain, seizures but I don't get them anymore). I'm in remission but I'll never forget how hard it was to cope. I hope all goes well for you and your son <3

    Hannah
    Floraful

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  2. I wrote a post around this time last year called 'It's ok to be unhappy' when I was in a really down place. But I completely agree with this post but at the same time I'm really feeling so sorry for you! Depression is HORRIBLE and it decides to ruin your life whenever it wants to. & what did you do to deserve to be cheated on!? I like the P.S at the end of the post though hahaha, it did make me laugh! Keep your head up honey, you still have your gorgeous son! <3

    www.itsmeganelizabeth.blogspot.co.uk

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  3. This is so so so so so similar to my experience! It was actually a midwife who came round to my house and told me that it was okay not to be okay, and that I was doing so brilliantly well considering! It would such a sigh of relief that I actually started to feel better!

    Lucy xx

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  4. I have had bouts of depression all my life but the worst was after the birth of my son. He needed to stay in Nicu and need heart surgery. I was diagnosed with PTSD. After the successful surgery I couldn't move on even though I had a happy and healthy little boy. I was so depressed and angry this happened. I then felt guilty I was feeling like this. I was ashamed, like I would be classed as ungrateful. After 18 months I have finally processed, acknowledged and moved on. I realise now it was okay to feel how I did then. That I shouldn't have been ashamed. I have been talking about it at length on my blog in hope it becomes more acceptable to talk about. Good on you chick. Ive shared shared shared!!! Xxxx

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    Replies
    1. I am going away to hunt down your blog now and get caught up on your posts sweetie, I love honest blogs where parents talk about how hard things can be, guilt is something every parent is burdened with, but it shouldn't be. It is normal to feel sad :)

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  5. Great post lovely and sod him !! xoxo
    http://www.katescloset.uk/

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  6. I've been through horrendous depression and anxiety and it's hell but you're 100% right that it's ok to not be ok sometimes if there's a reason for it! Breakups can feel like the end of the world (I honestly don't know which was worse out of my depression, anxiety and breakup) and can make you feel so alone so of course you'll be upset and distressed. Thank you so much for writing this post - It's remind me of a few things i shouldn't forget. Lots of love to you!

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  7. Things will get better. I'm hoping the best for you -Hanna Lei

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  8. I love how you're so open with your readers, Erin! So admirable <3 I know it may seem stormy now, but it won't rain forever. Sending you big hugs xx

    Blessings,
    Edye | Http://gracefulcoffee.wordpress.com

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  9. Love how honest this post is!
    I wrote a post called "5 things to do when you're sad" but basically said its alright if you just wanna stay in bed binge watching Netflix and stuffing your face.
    People need to realise and accept that they ARE going to have bad days and that it's perfectly OKAY to have them!
    - Arora xx
    www.aroraappleby.com

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  10. Sending you a hug ❤️ Not a nice situation to be in at all, but you must feel so proud of yourself for handling your depression whilst pregnant with your son, you seem like an amazing, committed and wonderful mother and I am sure your little AJ adores you! Your ex seems like a bit of an arse tbh, you can do so much better đź’©

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  11. I agree, it is ok not to be ok. It's definitely important to remember that, sometimes it's just hard to. Thank you for sharing, truly x

    VanessaVonJames | Fashion Blog

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  12. I haven't been into similar situation before, however I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you. Not only dealing with a baby and also going through breakup. Like the doctor said "it is ok not to be ok, we can't always be happy and just smile to the world when we are going through so much sh*t. Now when you look back you should be proud of yourself to see how much you've achieved. Just don't let anyone to let you down!

    Ela BellaWorld

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  13. I totally agree with you Erin. It's healthy to just feel the feelings and let them show. Otherwise you just keep them inside you for a long time. I haven't suffered with depression ever, but getting over a great grief might come quite close. Not that I know, but it's so hard too. I myself like to shut myself out from the world when I'm sad or angry at something, I like handle those feelings while I'm alone. But I think the keyword is to actually handle them, not just push them away.
    You should be mighty proud of yourself for going through something like that<3 You rock girl. And just remember, if you ever need a chat or support, I'm here for you :)
    Emma xxx

    www.wellemma.com

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  14. My fiancé went cold turkey with his medication because he was convinced it was keeping him in the cycle of depression. He hasn't taken a tablet in 2 years and seems to be doing much much better. It's totally fine to not be ok sometimes, you've just got to let it out and pick yourself back up after, we all just human!

    xx

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  15. A powerful message. I was always told 'it will be okay' which at the time was the most aggrevating thing to hear, because I was not okay. This would have been my saving grace. For someone to tell me that it's okay to not be okay.
    You've achieved so much, and have an excellent outlook.
    Wishing you the best
    Katie xo
    http://misskatief.blogspot.co.uk/

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  16. What a lovely, honest and inspirational post. You're so brave. I think you are sharing such an important message, it is ok not be ok. It's normal, its natural. My partner of four years ended our relationship about 2 months ago, and thinking it normal to feel like this, I can be sad, really helped me to get through it. Also the quote, everything is ok in the end, if its not ok, it isn't the end.
    Look after yourself!
    Kate xx

    katemorgancecilia.blogspot.co.uk

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